Question #281

Must one reveal fornication to his or her spouse?

If a person commits fornication or adultery against their spouse are they obligated to reveal that fact to their spouse or can they just repent to God?

The Answer:

This question recognizes that all sins are against God and repentance before God is essential. The question raised is whether one must reveal that sin to the wife because the sin is also a wrong against her. There is no scripture that speaks directly to this issue in this context. In this context four persons have been sinned against – three human (the spouse, the unfaithful husband, and the woman with whom the act was committed) and one divine (God). Of the four, the wife is the only one who does not know. The husband and the woman committed the act and God knows all that is knowable. Is the wife entitled to know?

Perhaps the place to start is to learn what repentance means. The Greek word from which it comes means simply a “change of mind.” It is generally considered to have three elements: 1) intellectual; 2) emotional; and 3) volitional. The first is a change of view, including a recognition of sin as involving personal guilt, defilement, and helplessness. The second is a change of feeling, manifesting itself in sorrow for sin committed against a holy and just God. The third is a change of purpose, a turning away from sin, and a disposition to seek pardon and cleansing.

While the question did not ask whether the husband should also repent toward the wife as well as to God, that is an important question. Since the sin was committed against the wife the wife’s forgiveness is needed. When forgiveness is needed from another human, what needs to be done? The same three elements are present but there is a difference between those sinned against – God and the woman know what happened; the wife does not know. How then can she forgive? How can she ever know that she has been sinned against and that her forgiveness is needed? Obviously, she could learn of it from some person who knows (the woman involved, perhaps because she is upset that the husband did not divorce the wife and marry her, or because she is “getting even” with one who deceived her into thinking he was not married), or from someone who saw or was told what happened. Would it be better for the wife to learn from the husband and feel once deceived, or from a third party and feel twice deceived (the act and the cover up)? Is the cover up justified because “my wife isn’t strong enough to hear of the wrong and continue in the marriage, or my wife isn’t able psychologically to handle such a disclosure? Such an approach smacks of a selfish husband (already demonstrated) wanting to eat his cake and have it to, so he decides for the wife that she doesn’t need to know. Could it be that it is the husband who really can’t take the heat for his sinful misconduct?

Perhaps the parable of the Prodigal Son who sinned against God and his father speaks to the situation: “18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.” Luke 15:18-19.

That said, those reading this must realize that there is much information that is lacking. Was this a one time lapse? Did it happen before, the wife forgave, but said that if it ever happened again forgiveness would not be forthcoming? Had the wife indicated that divorce would be the result if it ever happened the first time and this was the first time? Does the husband wish to continue the marriage because divorce is expensive? Is he seeking to justify his unfaithfulness by blaming the “other woman” for vamping him, instead of recognizing that no man can be vamped who does not put himself in temptation’s way and who knowingly or unknowingly wants to be vamped? Often in questions like this such facts are omitted because the inquirer feels that omitting them will make it more likely that the answer will be to his or her liking. Whatever the answers to these and other questions might be, the husband still has a problem with God, his wife, and the other woman. He needs the forgiveness of all.